Archive for February, 2012


Off track

Been off track the last couple weeks.

Weird thing is, I think a book started it all.  Nothing overtly bad, I just started to listen to an audio book.  Had a couple hard days at work, so it’s a nice relaxing thing.  Then I started noticing it get stronger and stronger.  It basically felt like an addiction.  I felt I should spend some of that time driving ( I drive 30 minutes each way for work ) praying, listening to teachings, or worshiping, yet I slowly found myself only wanting this book.  The book lasted for about 2 more weeks at this point.

I think in a way I went throw a couple levels of discipline. First was the raised eye.  I spent some time away from what I knew I should be doing ( my first love ), and I could sort of feel maybe this isn’t good.

Then after some more time passed I started getting this aching, that I knew I was wrong, but I just couldn’t handle it.  It began to eat at me at this point, causing frustration and sadness.

Then it became more severe.  Not sure how it works, but basically I started getting upset more, had some quarrels at home with my wife.  Ended up having multiple days with a mild sort of depressions/oppression.

All because of a book.

I can’t help but think of the verse that says, “if you arm causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it from you”.  Multiple times I felt God say, you need to stop, and yet I didn’t.  Cause I didn’t feel like it was that big a deal, yet anything that consistently draws me from my Lord is a big deal.  And it became that.

And yet, praise God for the blood of Jesus.  It washes over me, it purifies me and makes me acceptable to come before Him.  I do not need to walk in shame but in joy that He has covered my sins.  In the times I push away, His grace abounds even more.  I’ve worked hard as this has gone on to not let the shame and guilt push me away.  To continue to try and come before Him.  This is a fairly new thing for me.  To try and continue to come before His presence even when I’m not walking well.  I come in humility, but under the grace of His blood.

Also, my times of waiting haven’t done as well, I’ve missed a couple days here and there, but overall I continue.  I’ve noticed that I don’t seem to get much out at all, I can barely focus, but that won’t stop me.  I am struggling through what seems to be a way in the morning.  Maybe I’m not awake enough, yet that still seems to be the best time.  Any other time and it’s not as quiet, not as good to focus.

Lots of distractions

It’s been an interesting week.

Monday – Part of my routine in the morning is to get myself ready, then go up to the office and have some quiet time.  After this I turn on my wife’s computer to get things going.  Well, this morning, I noticed first thing that the keyboard wasn’t responding.  After some initial troubleshooting(and I’m a computer guy), I knew if I left my wife would have a lot of trouble.  This interfered a bit with my time that morning.  Ends up I had to actually unplug all the cables from my kvm switch so it’ll loose power and clear up whatever the issue was.  So my time was cut short/interrupted that morning.

Tuesday – I’d noticed a night or two before that my ear was feeling like it was getting stopped up.  This morning I woke up and it was feeling partially stopped.  So I used some drops to [gross] clear up some earwax, then flushed it a little.  This managed to completely close it.  Not sure if you have this happen much, but it’s really distracting from anything you do.  I was still able to have my time, but it of course made things tough.

Wednesday – I was able to do my normal process, then as I started to leave, I noticed a smell near my daughters room.  Come to find out she had thrown up all over herself during the night, and slept in it.  Needless to say, I was a bit late for work.

Thursday – Slept in, because I had planned to fast during lunch this day and have time, but I got hit with some overwhelming fatigue.  Not physical, more like emotional.  I spent much of the day just overwhelmed with stuff.  Then, as I finally stopped to really think, I thought about writing out all this, and suddenly had things clear up some in my head.  It’s like just the act of trying to share where I am brings some focus back.  It helped me to remember that no matter what I do or where I’m at, it’s grace that gives me what I have.