So, this started with a comment from Sadhu in one of his series. I do not know if this was in the correct context, but it still caught me. He said something to the extent of when you get to a face to face relationship with The Lord, you can’t disobey anymore. I believe he said it like this. It wasn’t just sin, but knowing the will of The Lord and actively choosing against it. He said its like Moses, who acted against the word of The Lord and couldn’t enter the promised land. To my eyes it seems so harsh, Moses did so much to get them there, and didnt get to walk in for one mistake. As you draw closer to The Lord and the more glory is revealed to you, the more accountable you are.

Now I’ve already seen steps of holiness in my life, putting aside some things that are worth less than The Lord, the calling to walk more set apart, and yet I also see how quickly I can fall from some of these basic things. And I’m scared. I’m not too proud to admit that. I still disobey on purpose sometimes. So what if God opens it up to me, then I mess it up like I am likely to do and I’m done. What if I disqualify myself before I’ve even begun.

I know The Lord is compassionate, and patient to wait, yet he is righteous an holy, and to walk near him, I need to be that as well, and I just don’t know that I’m up for it.

[Week later]

We had a mini vacation in there as well, and I sort of took that time as well to take a step back.  Unlike other “Spiritual vacations”(as Sadhu calls them), I didn’t turn away from the Lord and get into sin, I just backed off on the actively seeking, still not the best, but like I said, I was thrown off.

So my result, it’s sort of like the disciples after Jesus told the crowds to eat his flesh and drink his blood and they all went off.  The disciples said something like “where else will we go, you have the words of life.”  What else can I do?  I can’t stand our churches trying to spiritualize so much of scripture.  Of taking away the Lord working in His people and attributing that to something the apostles did.  I’m tired of living a life so full of works and so devoid of Jesus.  I can’t imagine any other way.  I’m in.