Archive for October, 2013


“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose”

Don’t remember who said this, someone who was on mission to a tribe in south/Central America, and he wrote these words down a couple days before he was martyred. His wife later came and many people were saved from the price he paid.

Bond-servant.

I knew when I first started this thing that this would be one of my biggest issues. I also hoped that this process would help out. As I try to draw nearer to God, I would start to give him more. In a way it is working, I am more willing to sacrifice, more willing to pay the cost, but still I come short. There is a reason that Neville put this first. I feel like I’m to a point where I can actually try. Where I am starting to understand the cost and be willing to pay it.

Right now I feel there are 2 parts to this

1) willing to put hearing God above all else.
Too often I put something ahead of those. Too often sleep takes away my time with Him, work chokes out any time to get away, my family comes in priority over Him. There are times where time critical things block out my normal time, or sickness. God isn’t legalistic like we often are, but usually it’s obvious when I don’t put the effort to make up that time that I have other priorities. Also, if I feel like God is speaking, I must pull away. To continue with my work is to say it is more important than him. The more we don’t listen, the more we don’t hear.

2. Obey

So simple, but so hard. There are areas in my life that I know his will, but continue to not follow it. If he can’t trust me to obey, how can he trust me with a relationship. I must commit to obey and follow through, knowing that my Lord and my beloved is who I am obeying. He is more important than any of my earthly issues.

I think I will make these part of my morning devotion. I need to reaffirm this daily for now. Too often I can start the day and live only for me. I may live morally, but morally for me is still a failure. My life is a living sacrifice

I really should fast more..

I say this more out of humor.  My body gets all confused whenever I decide to fast.  Let me just mention, I like food.  I don’t skip meals.  If I do, there’s something big going on.  I’m not excessive on food, I’m in fairly good shape, but I just like to actually eat meals.

So whenever I fast, for even a short period of time, my body gets lost.  Right now I’m in the office and my hands are going numb from being cold.  Surely it’s not that cold around here.  I am drinking water, but fasting everything else.  I also feel a little light-headed.  I’ve noticed that the last couple times as well.  It’s 9am.  I had some dessert around 10pm last night.  Seriously, I can’t even go 12 hours without my body getting confused.

Also I expect to get a headache around 1pm or so.  I drink a bit of caffeine.  Not a huge amount, but enough that I’ll have a withdrawal type headache in the afternoon.

Always a fun time .

Looks like I went off on “Spiritual Vacation” as brother Sadhu Sundar Selvaraj would call it for nearly a week now.  He talked about how Christians do this.  We just set God aside for a while and go do our own things.

I’ve noticed that I do this, but it seems to be happening for shorter amounts of time.  I cannot justify it to myself as long as I used to, I am less content without seeking the Lord daily.   I am more scared of the times I’m in as well.  Basically, I come back and seek the Lord sooner.

It started with work.  I have a project going on that’s been consuming more time.  What really got me is that I was getting up early to check on things for work.  It was a timing deal or I’d never have done it.  So multiple days of the week I had to get up early and do work which interrupted my quiet time. Some days I’d still get it in, other days I wouldn’t.  Then at night, I’d have to do some work as well.  I got tired.  Very tired.  I would accidentally sleep in from fatigue, which then led to sleeping in on purpose.  I just couldn’t find the will-power to get up.  Then I turned to one of my danger spots, audio-books.  To “give myself a break”, I started listening to a book while driving.  It’s really fun for me, but it’s another distraction.  Now my brain is getting more full of junk, losing it’s focus.

Guess what, I fall.  Of course.  It’s interesting to see the stair step down.  It took nearly a week of different things to pull me down far enough.  In a way it’s a little comforting that I can see the pattern, that it actually took a bit for that to happen.  Hopefully that means I can hold better next time.

Why did I stay.  That’s the part I wanted to write about while still sort of there.  I do this often.  It started with fatigue, just wanting a break.  I wasn’t necessarily running from God, just wanting time off.  I think seeking Him is in a way hard on me.  You have to give up so much, and I wanted some selfish time.  You can’t really justify it to yourself, so instead you just sort of put it off.  Like I will come back, I just want to do my thing right now.  It’s like setting it aside to deal with later.  I have other times where I would fall into a sin then go into this.  I’d let the condemnation pull me away from God and then I wouldn’t want to come back cause I had messed up and either didn’t want to confront Him, or didn’t think He’d want to see me.  This was a little different than that.

But I’m back.  And God is long-suffering.

Our church is sick

I’ve spent a bit of time thinking about the Laodicean church lately.

Because you say, “I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,” and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked, (Revelation 3:17 NASB)

I have become more and more convinced of a deep issue in our churches. Simply stated, we worship ourselves and not God. We glorify the church, the staff, and the ministries rather than the God of all. We cloak it well, we speak good sounding words, but the heart is not there.

Some of our ministers have gone the way of the nicholaitans. Much like the church in the dark ages, they have found a little of God, and kept it over the church. They are more than happy to lead, to show the church “the way” rather than “The Way”. They teach us how to live for God and not how to live with God.

And as a church, we are happy here. We have become comfortable being led, being told how to live, how to pray, how to serve. It eases our conscious. We know we aren’t living up to the price paid for us, so we do our ministries, we follow our ministers, and convince ourselves that this makes it ok. We try not to think about the ones from Jesus parable who ministered in Gods name, but got thrown out for not knowing God.

We are willing to sacrifice, but only so much. We are not willing to pay the high price of holiness to know the living God. We are not willing to take the chance of holding onto our fragile faith if we make a jump and he doesn’t catch us.

So we settle. We settle for following ministers and not The Lord. We settle for listening for clues and not His voice. We settle for a life in this world rather than in the spirit.