I find myself in a different state of mind than normal. How to explain. I’ve been here before but never for log. As I began to practice his presence more continually, I feel more of a relationship or fellowship with The Lord. When I sin, I feel the breaking of that and the shame. Much as Adam and Eve hid, so do I. I had become accustomed to coming before The Lord in peace, that when I feel dirty I don’t know what to do.

Repent obviously, ask for forgiveness. Then the next day I did it again. Now I find myself under attack. One time was weakness or accident, twice was purpose. I find that I have out things of this world above God. How do I come in fellowship when I feel like I’m tied down by a sin. How can I ask forgiveness again as I continue to abuse his grace. I find myself in even more condemnation than before

And there it is. As soon as you find condemnation, you should know he devil has come in. I didn’t catch that. Instead I hid. I found work to do, movies to keep my mind busy, I didn’t pray and wait, I just worked. Knowing sooner or later I would come back, there is no choice in my heart, for I am His. But I leave myself to suffer for a while. To let the pain soften my heart, to wait for the feelings of shame to subside.

This time The Lord called me back, in a subtle manner, but brought me to a place of quiet and said come here. Hesitant as I am, for I am ashamed, I begin to go into that place. My secret place of alone less with my Lord. I dare not look to Him at first, but I feel His call and I do. There’s not always words, often I think the words are mine as I attempt to put words to the feelings.

I waited too long to write this down or I could give a better account, but it was something like this.

Lord I’m here.
Look at me.
I don’t want to. I’ve hurt you. Look at the wounds I have caused(I imagine the nail wounds, the lashes) Look how I have turned against you.
Are you sorry
Of course, i have already asked forgiveness
Your grief shows your repentance as real.
But how can I come before you like this, how can I accept your love and peace when I continue to do this? (Somehow I implied here I should be punished)
Punishing yourself after sin is an even worse offense.
Really? How can that be?
If you think by hurting yourself you can make yourself acceptable to me, if you think that penance can gain forgiveness, then you are back into earning your salvation and not accepting my grace.
(This is where I just sit because I’m stupid, I do this a lot)

At this point I finally come back to acceptance and just stay with him a little and ponder this.

This is often how the conversations of my heart go. The more I go back and listen to Neville, the more I can see little bits. There is no clear picture, no clear word, no clear feeling, but a slight mixture of them all. As long as I don’t try and push it, there is a sort of flow to it. I suspect that if I can continue in purity and presence, that it will also become slowly clearer over time. So the words above do not take as the Lords’. I will let you know when I have a clear, undeniable word, but it’s more of my spirit trying to get it through my soul. Lots of junk, but every once in a while, something slips through.

I asked God how could I ever overcome sin when I am so bad at this, my answer was:

Start each day in brokenness and humility that God alone can see you through. That the walk with Christ is your only hope to success.

I am just finally, after 20 so years of salvation starting to get a little humility in me. I’m a little dense I guess.