It’s day 4 of something new.

I think it hit when I got to the 4th message in Sadhu’s series about

A Rose for Jesus  He went through a brief history of coming to see the Lord.  In a nut shell, he came to the point he decided how could he be a child of God and not able to see Him.  So he began to set aside all his free moments he could get alone to come before the Lord in prayer crying to see Him.  His words are that only a bastard doesn’t see his father.  I prefer to say orphan, as Jesus said he would not leave us as orphans(John 14?).  Anyway, so he would pray in the morning, when he went to bed, and as often as he could get alone in between.
Then one day he had a vision of Jesus on the cross. From that point on he began to see visions, but it wasn’t enough.  So he kept praying, because he wasn’t hearing His voice or seeing Him.  Next the Lord Jesus spoke to Him audibly.  Then from that point on he could hear His voice.  And again, it wasn’t enough, so he continued.  Then one day Jesus walked in and prayed with Him.
Which each step, once he was let in, he could continue to walk in this.  He told everyone to stay hungry, to never be satisfied with what we have, because there is always more.  At each point he would dig and pursue something else.
This sort of pushed me over the edge.  I bring it to God whenever I can.  I want to know Him.  I am like an orphan that ran away, I don’t know my Fathers house, I don’t hear His voice, I don’t know His face.  Jesus said “I will not leave you as orphans, but I will come to you.  The world will no longer see me, but you will see me”, and “my sheep hear my voice”.
So I have become more hungry.  Neville talked about this, and now Sadhu has reiterated it.  Hunger, determination, and single-mindedness.  I want to develop that hunger and never let it go.  That I will not be content with what I have.  There is much more to this relationship, and I’m tired at living at such a low level.  We have become accostomed to so little, and I’m not ok with it anymore.
I have also had a little more success in several areas of sin in my life.  Now that I say that, I need to get on my knees and cry for mercy.  As soon as I think I stand, I tend to fall.  But I have walked in more holiness than usual, and it’s allowed me to continue to cry for more, to cry for a closer walk.  And cry I do.  I pour out my heart, my emotions.  Words are not enough, I pour out the anguish in my heart that I live such a menial christian life.  That I can talk about God “talking to me” when it’s such a small thing I have compared to these others.  I want to be a friend, I want to be the bride, I want to have that close personal relationship, to walk with God.
So of course what happens.  My alarm clock completely fails, our car battery dies, I get a horrible headache for most of a day,I fall really behind on work, etc.  The enemy doesn’t like it when we start to really try.