Archive for September, 2014


I think I figured out my problem

Ok, you’re going to have to forgive the rambling, but my brain has been in a reflective mode and I just want some of this down. I sometimes just talk to myself in my head and work things out, sometimes it’s a pretty good conversation too. I’m good company for myself.

In this case, it starts with sorrow. I’m looking at myself lately and I’m filled with sorrow. Nothing big, nothing bad, just seeing myself for what I am. Yes, I’ve stayed stronger in the areas I mentioned, but it’s like the rest is falling apart. Just my attitude alone. I am not being a good father or husband. Not that bad, but I can’t even keep my emotions in control. I’m the temple of God and I let frustration and worrying make me look like an idiot. Several times today. Not only that, but I can’t keep my focus. I’m not getting up early well, sleeping badly, and not getting the time with God I want.

So here I am, seeing myself for what I think is more of a failure, then it dawns on me. I prayed that prayer that you should always watch out for. During a period where I thought I was doing pretty well(mostly because the going was easy), I asked God to look at my heart and show me where I can improve. Well, here we are.

1. I’m selfish – I want my rest, my sleep, my time. I’m not “that” selfish, but God’s standards are higher than ours, and if “Me” is stopping me from “Him” then it’s selfish.

2. I am moody – I’ve been so frustrated with trying to control our things, with keeping my daughter in line, with making all the stuff we planned, I “like I said” look like an idiot sometimes. That peace of God is no where near me.

3. I am unfocused – My mind should always be on Him. I want Him first, to see and hear Him, yet my actions speak louder. My actions say let me just survive.

I do feel like I’m working through something though.

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From Sadhu’s Open Heavens message:

Steps to preparing for an open heaven.  His numbering got a little off in the middle so I may be splitting/combining some.

1. Get rid of pride

2. Humble like a child

3. Holiness

4. Develop our spiritual senses

5. Eyes of our understanding

Overall – Pray.

If you think about it, a lot of these things overlap.  Being humble as a child gets rid of pride, praying also helps our pride and develops our senses.  Being humble means we fear God and leads to holiness.  They overlap, and yet they are still multiple sides to our relationship.

In my personal life right now I’m in a battle for holiness. 

I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. – Rev 3:18

I’ve wondered often what the cost is to buy eye salve, so that I may see.  I don’t know that I have an actual revelation here, but I wonder if the cost is holiness itself.  Think to the sermon on the mount, “blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God”.  I know in this journey I may not have seemed to make it far, yet I have seen holiness.  Not so much in me, but the hope of it.  The purifying of areas in my life.  The setting aside of my will for Him.  The cleaning out of filth to make room for His word, and His plans.  There is always far to go, but I feel like over the last 2-3 years that my heart has changed.  I remember a time when I thought about giving all up for Him and it was terrifying.  Now I almost hope for it.  To “know the hope of His calling” seems better than all my riches.

So I wonder, as holiness is perfected in me, that God perhaps may come more clear.  So as I said, right now I’m in a fight.  I have set aside one of my biggest areas of failure.  One of those things that’s not a sin in itself, but leads easily to sin.  And it has been a struggle.  It’s like a drug addict having withdrawals.  I’m not sure why but so far God has given me grace to hold up under it.  I just need to pour all my focus, all my hopes into Him.  Perhaps then I can continue to stand and come out the other side.

It is worth it, the pearl of great price.  Whatever the cost, whatever must be done, if it means me finding my beloved and being close to Him, it is worth it.  So I try to lay aside my life.  

So this started with listening to some of the sessions from the prophetic conference at Shekinah Worship center(that the right name?).  

First I was hit by a couple comments made by Terry Bennett.  These were sort of side comments he made while making other points, but they brought some stuff home to me.  The first thing I remember was him saying that he had a period of time where he would spend 6-8 hours a day in prayer, and sometimes whole nights, just wanting to be with the Lord.  This led him to mention a church where part of your membership requires you to make a contract that you’ll spend 1 hour a day in prayer.  His next comment was something like “1 hour, it takes like 45 minutes to even get quiet, that’s not much time”.  It’s one of those off-hand comments where he’s not trying to make a point, but you can tell that’s what he really feels.  

So that sort of hit me a bit.  To think that an hour in prayer isn’t enough.  Got me first pretty discouraged.  Like I mentioned before, I just have trouble making that time without taking away so much sleep I start to become worthless.

Next I listened to the last message from Neville.  In there he really hits it home that we need that intimacy with God.  We must change our prayer lives up.  Then he gave some of his thoughts there.  Basically we should pray to know God’s will.  Once we find that, we began to declare it.  That prayer is us practicing ruling and reigning with Christ. 

That got me sort of worked up a little.  Let me explain why.  I have been thinking along these lines, but it took Neville mentioning a verse off-hand that really pulled it together.  It’s the verse that says “Faith comes from hearing, and hearing from the word of God”. We tend to sort of spiritualize it, and think that’s us getting faith from the Bible.  Sure enough though, just looked up the Greek, and it’s the Rhema word.  The spoken word.  So our faith comes from us hearing God.  Not this wishy/washy hearing God we like to lift up in many of our churches, but the literal word of God coming to us.  Maybe it’s out loud, maybe it’s in our hearts, but I think it should be undeniable.  It should be a communication from our Lord.

But we won’t wait.  We won’t spend the time.  We don’t really believe he’ll speak.  But how can we ever have faith in a God we do not hear.

So I guess what I’m saying is that maybe I should stay focused on praying to hear from the Lord, to know His will, until I really know it, then I need to start declaring and doing it.  Until then I’m just guessing and lucky if I hit something.  I don’t know that this is really coming out clear enough, it’s still a little fuzzy in my head what I’m thinking, but there it is.