So, it’s been a while since I posted.  As I write this, I realize that title may be a little dramatic, it’s not as bad as that may sound, but the health problems persist.  We’re up to about 4 months of this.  That’s 4 months where I can barely get my work in, i’m working early morning, or more likely late at night ( till 1-2 in the morning sometimes ) so I can get time in.  I can’t get up early at all.  I have a couple days that seem better, then it comes back in hard.

If it were just the physical issues, that would be ok, I could do with that, but it’s not.  It’s physical, mental, emotional.  Because it’s gone so longer, it’s been one of the hardest things to face.  I am most helpless.  I give so much of my self to this, to help, but I can’t fix it.  I can’t make it better.

The Lord can, but I can’t.

So I’m helpless, I’m beaten down, I’m broken.

I’m doing ok today, I’ve come back around to my strength in the Lord.  That’s been a cycle as well.  When I get low enough, I hide.  I put on books, I do my work, I suffer to myself.  I really don’t have people to talk to either.  Because of the nature of things, I can’t go into details unless we both decide to.

It’s been a hard road.  I hope that it’s leading somewhere.  And I hope that I can overcome and maybe move past the test, though I suspect it’s not just a test for me but for our family.

I’ll make it.  God is good.  But man, these types of struggles, where you watch your family dealing with things, and you can’t do much, or you are part of the problem, are so very hard to handle.  Give me my own problems any day rather than this.

It has done one good thing, and that’s to beat so much other stuff out of me.  If I can hold it, I’m broken in a way I haven’t been in a long time.  I’m reliant upon the Lord in a way that’s tough to hit when things are going well.  Right now, my only joy is in my hope in Him.